Fear and Loathing in Vermont
A strange and oddly enjoyable weekend. The driving sucked, the skiing was C-, I didn’t like the bars, and there weren’t pretty girls. I was still smiling though most. In the spirit of the Oscars, let’s recap it, award show style…
The award for worst directions goes to Buckshot! It took 6.5 hours to get to the Ski Resort (about the size of RIT), and another 90 minutes to find the apartment. Not only couldn’t Buckshot count to three (as in the third left, not the first). He described the road as being on ‘a steep hill’. Let me remind you that in a ski resort, all roads are steep. Otherwise people wouldn’t ski there.
The award for best menu selection goes to Cheezy Henry’s (it’s french). For dinner they had, fondue and fondue. Then you could have fondue again. Wish I was making this up.
The don’t shit a shitter award goes to Buckshot (Buckshot has already won the worst directions award tonight, and is currently trying to find the stage to accept this award). Lesson, if you bounce a crappy bar, don’t charge tourists a $5 cover and no one else. Because the tourists will see you charge no one else a cover, and proceed to tip $5 on a $150 bar tab, telling the bartender you have the rest of the tip in your pocket. Good times.
The award for drunken heroics goes to Skip. We were staying at Buttlove’s* uncle’s ski chattaeu, complete with sectional couch and a wood fireplace with plenty of logs but no kindling. This would be a problem for most, but then again, most don’t have 12” matches and a can of static guard. The improvised blowtorch did a good job of charring wood, but not catching it on fire. It did however, enable a hot ember to land on the 70s retro couch, lighting it up pretty quick. Drunken Skip was on the motherfucker, putting it out with his hand (he opted not to spill his beer on it, that’d be stupid). End result was a football sized hold in the couch. Whoops.
The Napoleon Dynamite award for overratedness goes to Vermont Skiing! Icy, Expensive, and they close the hills at 4. What the fuck, no electricity up there? If I’m paying $100, I’m skiing till midnight.
The Ohio award for worst state I’ve visited this year goes to Vermont! Wow, whole lotta nothing but bearded hippies and 30 MPH ‘highways’. From hippies playing Dance Dance Revolution on the dance floor in front of countless crappy phish cover band, to the worst group of women I’ve ever seen in a bar (the Rusty Nail makes a colony party look like a rap video).
And to complete the hat trick, the easiest bar hookup award goes to Buckshot. You had to see it to believe it.
*Yes, a straight white guy has the nickname buttlove. I have no idea how this happened.